"Don't look down!" And then you do.
"Watch out for the dog!" And then you trip over the dog.
"Don't eat the green sauce, it's too hot." And you eat it anyway and your mouth burns for hours.
When I was little we had a candle that sat on top of our fireplace mantle and it was one of those holders that looked like it stepped out of Mickey's Christmas Carol. You know what I'm talking about? The brass holder with the little curly-q handle? It was burning one night and I wanted to get it down so I could get a better look at it. I stepped up onto the brick ledge in front of the fireplace, raised up onto my tip-toes as high as I could, and then pretended to be Stretch Armstrong as I reached up to get it. I was just barely tall enough to get a grip on the handle. About that time Mom looked up from the kitchen and said, "Don't do that! You're going to burn yourself!" I looked at her like she was stupid and I remember rolling my eyes. I wasn't grabbing the flame, how was I going to get burned? I didn't know that the melted candle wax was also hot and would run over the edge if not kept level. As I lifted the candle holder up, it was too heavy for me to hold steady with one hand and, sure enough, the hot wax ran onto my hand and forearm. Needless to say, it hurt like hell and I cried like a big baby and got the "I told you so" speech.
A few years ago our local fire department responded to a barn fire and unfortunately there were some show pigs inside that got burned. It was a horrific sight and I cried for the animals and for the teenage girl who loved them. The owner was going to have to put down (that's euthanize for you Northerners) two of the animals because they were too burned to save. My sister-in-law was standing there and I told her to turn away so that she wouldn't have to see what was about to happen. But, she didn't get turned around in time and now the images are burned into her memory.
People used to tell me how exhausted they were after they became parents and I thought, "What a bunch of weenies!" Now, I wish I would have slept more in my 20's instead of adopting the philosophy that you only live once and sleep can wait. My pregnancy was a new revelation on sleepiness. I would pull over on the side of the road every day on my way home from work because I needed to take a nap. When I got home, it was another nap. After dinner, another nap. I couldn't get enough sleep. It was exhaustion like I've never experienced.
Until now.
Just when think you've hit the bottom of the abyss, you find that, no, it really is an abyss and there are endless depths to the level of sleepiness you feel. Shawna and I were talking last night, and as a brand new Mom, she said she was tired ALL the time. I said, "I hate to tell you this, but it doesn't get any better. And I'm not even breast feeding!" Even on days when you get a little more sleep, you never catch up. Even when you sleep when the baby sleeps, you never catch up. When I was trying to breast feed and pump, I would fall asleep as soon as the pump was attached. I don't know what it is about being a parent that causes you to suddenly fall asleep mid-sentence. And all I can think is thank goodness I don't have twins! How do people do it?! I don't know if I would be able to function. A friend told me when I was pregnant that once the baby arrived I would learn how to function and do more on less sleep. Boy, was she right! If I could lay down and sleep for the next three days and not have to worry about anything else, I would knock people down to get to my bed. However, I have to say that the little angel we call Rocco does make it all worth it. And I'm pretty sure that sleepiness is directly linked to Mommy brain and memory lapses.
Do not be alarmed if you see me napping in my car, in the grass, at a ball game, or leaned over my cart at Walmart. I may get caught up on sleep and rejoin the living in about 20 years. And here's my advice to all of the not-yet-parents out there ..... SLEEP!! Sleep a lot! Sleep all the time! Enjoy it! Relish it! Take advantage of it! Then go have kids and become a zombie like the rest of us. We will welcome you into our ranks; we don't discriminate!
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