Healing, one stitch at a time

Two years ago this month we found out we were pregnant for the first time and since everyone had been waiting years for us to have kids, it was BIG news. I was so excited that I immediately bought our nursery bedding, a diaper bag and some gender neutral onesies. We had been trying to get pregnant for over a year and for months I had been looking at cross stitch patterns, trying to decide on one for the nursery. I finally settled on a picture of a mare and foal in front of a barn, shaded by beautiful trees. It would be something that was always age appropriate and the picture, along with each tiny stitch, would convey my love for our little one. And I liked that it was a mother and her child; the child standing close to mom for security and mom looking on with love. I had already bought the kit, but was waiting until we got pregnant to officially start working on it. When the day finally arrived, I quickly set out studying the pattern, sorting thread and preparing my fabric. 

But, it wasn't meant to be.

A few weeks later we miscarried. 

We were completely heartbroken and unprepared for such a circumstance. It never even occurred to us that we could have a miscarriage. I thought that they were few and far between. Apparently, they're quite common and I was shocked by the number of women who came out of the woodwork to tell me that they'd also had miscarriages. I guess it's just something that no one wants to talk about, which is completely opposite of how I feel. I feel like not talking about it makes it more taboo, exacerbates the feelings of pain, loneliness, and sadness that a parent has after that happens, and it feels like we're not remembering the tiny soul that we lost and Heaven gained. I was so very, very sad and I put away all of the things I had bought, laying the onesies out neatly in a drawer, putting the bedding and diaper bag in the back corner of a closet and burying the cross stitch deep into my craft stuff. I'd already started stitching on it and now I couldn't bear to look at it. 

We spent the next couple of months recovering and I tried to console myself by getting my hair permed. But, my hormones were completely out of whack and instead of nice curls, my hair got fried. Literally. Bozo had nothing on me. 

By the end of January, we were pregnant again. I told myself that I didn't want to let the miscarriage hamper my joy for our second baby and I dug out the cross stitch and started working on it again; stitching just as much love into it as I had several months before. 

Then we went in for an ultrasound and I knew by the look on the nurse's face that something was wrong. We waited a week, there was nothing else to do, and then they confirmed that our second baby had died. I didn't think I could bear it, but I did. Somehow, we survived miscarriage number two and once again, I buried the cross stitch beneath pounds of fabrics and threads and other craft kits. 

By July, the only thing on my mind was losing the weight that two miscarriages had given me. I was running in the 110 degree heat every day and I had lost over 15 pounds. We were making plans for Jakob to arrive and while we were still trying to get pregnant, we were focusing on other things. I had come to the point where I almost wanted to get rid if all of the baby stuff we had bought. I didn't want to look at it or even have it in my house anymore. And the beautiful bedding and cute little onesies no longer held anything but pain for me and I wondered if getting rid of them would help me start from a clean slate. But, I just couldn't bring myself to take that step. 

Then, in September we found out that we were pregnant with baby number three. We were happy, but cautious. I was afraid to get too attached for fear that this baby would also be taken from us, but I still dug out the cross stitch one more time, determined to channel my love into those tiny stitches, whether he/she lived or not. 

I guess the third time was the charm, because mine months later our little Rocco was born! When I was about six months pregnant I dug out the bedding I'd bought so long ago, planning to get rid if it and buy something new, but to my surprise, I fell in love with it again!

I worked on the cross stitch almost daily, stitching all of my love for him and facilitating my own healing one tiny stitch at a time. I hoped to be finished before he arrived, but that didn't happen because he came a month early! As any new parent knows, you don't have time for ANYTHING except baby when you're a new parent. It took us a few months of adjusting to get into a routine that works and I finally got to start working on the cross stitch again. I finished it this week and got it washed, ironed, matted, and framed and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out!

Here it is after I finished framing it. 

And here it is on the nursery wall. 

As you know, I also made the boot light, but I also decorated the star. It was plain when I bought it at our local drug store, so I bought some beaded garland to embellish it. I want Rocco to know how much time and care and love I put into his room; putting a piece of my heart in every detail to express my love for him. Having him in our lives has managed to ease the pain of losing two babies and he is truly a blessing. If something happens to me, he will still have some small representations of how much I love him; something physical that he can hold on to and look at; something that says, "I love you SO much!" if I'm not here to say it to him.