Heavy decisions

Well, today is a day of mixed emotions. On one hand I spent the morning rocking, feeding, tickling, consoling (he's teething), and playing with Mr. Rocco. On the other hand we had some not-so-fabulous news about our biggest child, Diamond, our German Shepherd.

Oh, Miss Diamond, I love you so! And to think that the end of your life could be near makes me grieve terribly! I can't talk about it or even think about it without crying. 

When you adopt a furry child into your life, you know that you're probably going to outlive them. But, it's not something you think about and instead you focus on the joy that they bring to your life. And when the day finally arrives when you have to start thinking about the end, it hits you like a ton of bricks, sucking the life out of you and crushing you to pieces. 

When D and I first started dating I had a half beagle-half pit bull dog named Brandy. She was the gentlest, smartest, strongest, and most sensitive dog I'd ever been around. She and I were best buds and companions and when she, D, and I began living under one roof, she did not adjust well. She began acting out at every opportunity to let me know that she was not happy with the situation. Eventually, I decided to give her to a friend who gave her to a 12 year old family member who wanted a dog to be his new BFF. After I let her go, I never again asked how she was doing; it was too painful. Ignorance is bliss and I prefer to think she lived out her days as a happy girl who won the heart of a 12 year old boy. 

We lived without any furry children for about six months before I told D that I needed a dog. I've always had dogs and I felt incomplete without one. I told him that I wanted a blonde Cocker Spaniel and I wanted to name her Marilyn Monroe. He said okay, but stipulated that he would get a German Shepherd. I did not want a dog that big, so we didn't get any dogs. A few more months went by and I simply could not stand it any longer and I relented, agreeing that he could have his GSD, but he/she would not be an inside dog. 

Oh, how life likes to throw you curve balls. 

We found both of the dogs we were looking for in the Midwest City area and drove down to get them. We picked up Marilyn first and, holy wow, the environment she came from was atrocious. There were seven adult Cockers and about as many puppies in the house and they were allowed to pee anywhere they wanted and do as they pleased. I could not snatch up that little four pound ball of fluff fast enough! I wanted to take all of the dogs, but knew it was too much for me. She was so tiny that she fit in the palm of my hand. 

Next, we went to pick up Diamond; D picked out her name and it was fitting because "diamonds are a girls best friend" and she would be Marilyn's BFF. She weighed 25 pounds and looked like a full grown dog next to Marilyn. I was determined to not get attached to her, though, and kept telling D that she was his dog. We got back in the truck and headed off to the pet store to get all of the supplies we would need. 

A few miles later I asked D, "Did you fart?" He said he didn't, but something smelled downright awful, and we all know that a dude's fart is BAD. I said, "Are you sure?" He swore he hadn't farted and I didn't believe him. Then, I looked in the back seat and Diamond had had diarrhea all over the back seat. OMG! was all I could say and we immediately pulled over. I told D that his dog was the one who had crapped everywhere, therefore he was going to clean it up. So, there I sat, in the grass on the side of I-40 in 5 o'clock traffic, holding the dogs while he gagged and hacked and dry heaved and made absolutely no progress on the poo party clean up. Finally, I told him to come hold the dogs and I used an old blanket to clean up as much poo as I could and then I had to scour the grass for discarded, used napkins so I could finish cleaning it all up because someone did not store extra napkins in his glove box like I told him to. There is no amount of antibacterial gel large enough to eliminate the nasty feeling you have after picking up hardened pieces of used napkins on the side of the road. Blech!

Initially, I stuck to my guns and made Diamond stay outside. I felt awful, but I did not want to give in because I didn't want to deal with her shedding. She would cry at the door and use her food bowl as a pillow and I felt more guilty with each passing day. Then, I saw a news segment about dogs, specifically GSD's, and how they need to be a part of a family and if you aren't going to let them be inside, then you really shouldn't have one. That was the day I caved and we have been covered in dog hair ever since. 

D is Diamond's boss; we were told that GSD's only have one master in their life, but I am her Mama. She is attached to me and wherever I go, she goes, constantly under my feet and keeping watch for me. When I leave, she sits at the back door and waits for me to return. She alerts me to strangers and pesky critters outside. 

Diamond and Marilyn are truly BFF's and we've always known that if something happens to one of them, the other will suffer tremendously. I will suffer tremendously! Diamond has had a couple of seizures in the last few years and she has arthritis and in July she developed a tumor in her mouth. We had it removed and the Vet had to cut so deep that he had to remove her main canine tooth on her upper left side. The tumor came back in the last few weeks, growing faster than it did before and it's about three times bigger than it was before. Dr. Brett was afraid that she would have other tumors on her lungs or in her joints, but as of right now, she doesn't. However, they may have to cut out half of her jaw to remove this tumor and until he can consult with a vet who specializes in this kind of treatment, we don't know what her recovery would be like, what the risks associated with the surgery are, what her quality of life would be, how much all of it will cost and if we can afford it. And whether she has surgery or not, there is a risk that the tumors will spread throughout her body and we don't know what kind of damage that will cause. 

So, we have come to that point where we are going to have to start considering her quality of life and weighing the risks. I feel completely helpless and at a loss. We have had Diamond and Marilyn for 10 years! I cannot imagine our lives without them, even though I know it will happen. They are our babies and it breaks my heart to see either of them suffer.

Resting. 

Sleeping by the fireplace at Christmas. 

It was the first day of school and everyone was posting pics of their kids, so I posted one of our kids, too. 

Happy, happy, happy!

Best "butties".

Isn't she a beauty?

How she sleeps. 

If you are a praying person, please say a little prayer for us as we wait for more information and face some hard decisions in the days ahead. If you're not a praying person, if you could just channel some positive thoughts this way, that would be great, too. I feel like I may be crying for a long time.....