Today I'm thankful for a changed heart.
Between the ages of 8 and 13 I lived in a home where I was abused on a daily basis by my Mom's (now) ex-husband. He abused me mentally/emotionally, physically and sexually and there were many times that I didn't know if he was going to kill me or not. I tried to tell people what we were going through, but I was fighting an uphill battle. He was active in the church, sang in the choir, taught Sunday school to junior high boys and everyone knew that we didn't get along. So, my words fell on deaf ears and I remember being told that I was just causing trouble and that I shouldn't put my mother through that after she had to deal with my father's death. Which never made sense to me because what about how his death had affected me and my brother? Was that inconsequential? That's how their words made me feel.
I didn't truly begin to feel anger instead of fear until he began to beat my little brother. I tried to intercede and there were many times that I would pick a fight with him so that he would leave my brother alone. Many victims of abuse either turn inward or they fight back. For the first few years they were married I, like my Mom and my brother, was completely filled with fear and terror, never knowing what was going to set him off or how bad the beating would be. And then the day came when something inside of me changed and I became very angry with him and my anger superseded any fear that I had and I fought back. If he yelled, I yelled. If he cussed at me, I cussed back. If he hit me, I hit him back. If he threw something at me, I threw it right back. If he kicked, I kicked. Whatever he dished out, I returned. I was determined to not just stand there and take it. I knew that I couldn't beat him, but I was no longer willing to go down without a fight. I felt like I didn't have a safe place to seek shelter to escape his wrath and my only defense was to fight fire with fire.
I became completely filled with anger toward this man and I became angry with God for not delivering us from the situation, for not providing a way out. I was saved, but I began to turn my back on God; I thought He had abandoned me in that Hell hole and if He wasn't going to help me then I didn't need Him. I didn't stop believing in God or that He is the savior, but I didn't believe that He loved me like He loved everyone else. I knew that the bible said that God never leaves us, but my situation was so dire that I didn't think those words applied to me, I didn't believe that He would help me. I assumed I was being punished for something.
Even after my mom divorced this man, I was still angry with him and with God for several years. Over time and with the help of a good friend, I came to terms with it all and I was able to forgive and I returned to my relationship with God. The Lord placed people in my life that were able to help me see the error of my ways and help me understand that He loves me, too.
I can't answer the question of why God allowed us to live in that situation, but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. I don't wish harm on my Mom's ex-husband, but I have no desire to ever see him again. I pray that he has conquered whatever inner demons caused him to behave in that manner. I pray that he realizes what harm he caused to others and that he's been repentant and has changed. I am thankful that my eyes and heart were opened and that we have a God who is forgiving and forgave me for turning away from Him and healed me. I am thankful that my relationship with God has changed my heart and brought me peace. I am thankful that I don't have to live in anger and bitterness. What a sad life that would have been.
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