We made the decision yesterday and I bawled all the way to work. I made it through my shift without breaking down, but as soon as I pulled in at home and saw Diamond waiting for me at the back door, I lost it again. It was the last time I would see her patiently waiting there. The last time I would hear her tail thump against the washer when I open the door. The last time she would try to trip me up as I walk in. The last time I would rub her ears before bed. The last time I would tell her good night.
I don't feel any peace about the situation, but we didn't have a choice; it was this or watch her suffer. I admit, I was not prepared for this. I always thought she would die of old age, in her sleep, not because she got sick, and I never considered that we would have to make the decision that letting her go would be the more humane choice. I always knew that we would probably outlive her, but you just can't prepare yourself for the agony. I knew it would be difficult, but there's no way to appropriately describe the grief that I feel. She was one of our children and I am completely heartbroken. I will never hear her thunder through the house again. Never watch her curl herself up on Marilyn's bed that's too small for her. Never watch her bound off the porch after a Pete or armadillo. Never wake up to her by my bedside, her chin on the bed, watching me and breathing doggy breath into my face. Never watch her chase a laser dot again. Never have her here to alert me to or stand between me and danger. Never again look into those dark eyes. Never again watch her drool all over the kitchen floor while she waits for a piece of candy (dog treat). Never again watch her prance around the front yard. Never again watch her and Marilyn fight and play together as only sisters and best friends do. Never feel her nose nudge my hand when she wants to be loved on. I am burdened with the guilt of wondering did we love her enough? Did we provide a good enough life for her while she was here? Did she have a happy life? Did I pet her enough? Rub her ears enough? Love on her enough? Did she understand how much we loved her and how much we miss her now?
Dr. Tamara held her while Dr. Brett administered the necessary meds. I could see it in her face, Diamond knew something was up. Her breathing immediately became labored and then she went limp. It was over in a few seconds and there were a lot of tears shed. It was the only time all night that Rocco wasn't fussing. It was like he knew something serious was happening.
Oh, my beloved Diamond! I already miss you so much! My heart burns with pain thinking of how our lives are not the same without you. Our biggest baby for 10 years, you are forever in our hearts.
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