Trust, forgiveness and communication

So many things have been on my mind lately and today has been no exception.  I have two girlfriends who both have a life threatening medical condition, not the same illness, but each one deathly serious.  Both friends have suffered from their condition since childhood and both have come near death more than once.  Both friends come from large, supportive families and both grew up and got married to men who loved them for who they are and accepted their medical conditions and that's where the similarities stop.  Friend #1 is happily married with children and is living her dream.  Friend #2 is divorced and so emotionally hurt that she is unable to trust anyone after her entire life was upended and flipped around until she barely recognized it anymore.  I was thinking of these two friends this morning and how strange it is that two women who don't even know each other led lives that, in several ways, mirrored each other until one person in one of their lives made a life altering decision with, what seems to be, unending repercussions.

After several years of wedded bliss to a man who had been exceptionally supportive through all of her medical issues, Friend #2 began to suspect that her spouse was having an affair and sure enough, he was.  After a confrontation and denial and attempted justification on his part, he ended up stringing her along for another year, saying that he wanted to work it out, didn't want to be with the other woman and that he wanted a future with my friend - all the while, he was still carrying on the affair with the other woman, who was also harassing my friend.  Staying with this man was incredibly difficult for my friend.  She didn't take the easy way out, she chose to honor her vows even though he had broken his - an unbelievably hard road that I have the utmost respect for.  She loved him, had forgiven him and was willing to rebuild their trust through communication, but he was still in the throws of selfishness and could never see what it was that he was doing and the pain it was causing her.

TRUST
I don't think this man has EVER understood how harmful his actions were to my friend - how devastating and humiliating it is to be the last one to know, to have your trust betrayed in such a personal and painful way, to find out that your entire life is a lie, to cry even after all of your tears are gone, to find out that everything you believed you were as a couple is nothing but smoke and mirrors and everything you thought you were building together is just a big hoax and you weren't in on the joke.  And I don't understand how it is that he continued to have the affair after he told her it was over and lie to her about it.  Nor do I understand why men and women risk their marriages, families and futures for sex with someone that they don't even love.  I confess, I was not always a person who felt this way.  In my early twenties when I didn't have a relationship with the Lord and I lived my life according to my rules and what made ME happy, my opinion was quite different.  And quite wrong, I might add.  I was listening to Focus on the Family a few weeks ago and they were interviewing a couple who pastor a church in New York (I'm sorry, I don't remember their names) and the man said something that really struck me (and I paraphrase) - You shouldn't have sex outside of marriage because you'll always be having sex to keep the other person; that people will do things that they normally wouldn't do to keep the other person from leaving them because they do not have the security and commitment of marriage.  Now, if you're a person who doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage or who believes that divorce is the answer to all marital problems, I don't expect you to agree.  For this situation, it fits.  This man betrayed every trust that existed between he and my friend and I don't know if it's the sex or the lie that's worse for her to come to terms with.  Either way, the trust was broken and when she began to trust him again, he broke it with another lie.  She worked so hard to get through the anxiety and hurt and doubts that his affair caused her to have and all of it was for naught because he could think of no one but himself and how he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too.  Today, they remain friends, but he has "issues" with her dating other men and her heart and trust are so broken that she won't let anyone get too close.  She has a handful of people in her life that she trusts (I made the short list), but beyond that there is a very tall wall guarding her from this kind of pain in the future.  I asked her recently, "Doesn't that get old?  Not being able to trust anyone?" She said sometimes it does, but the minute an issue comes up with a new man, he hits the road and she realizes that having that wall is the best thing for her.  And I think that is so sad.  Not that a person can't live a fulfilled life as a single person, but that someone who wants to share her heart with someone can't find someone trustworthy enough to begin to let that wall come down.  Her husband was the first man she had taken the leap of trust with and he caused such unimaginable pain and harm to her that some days I wonder if she will ever fully recover.

FORGIVENESS
When it was all said and done and the marriage was over and they went their separate ways, my friend's husband still tried to justify his actions.  I lost all respect for this man and I doubt it will ever be restored, not that he probably cares.  I was initially supportive of them both, encouraging forgiveness (because I BELIEVE in forgiveness) and offering whatever help I could as they worked through the situation.  But, you just can't work with a liar.  Even with forgiveness, you cannot work/build/nurture a relationship with a liar - an unfortunate life lesson.  You can forgive someone for their actions, but that doesn't mean that you have to continue to be their pawn.  Forgiving doesn't mean that you're "okay" with what the other person has done, but that you are forgiving them of it.  Forgiving doesn't mean that you won't continue to be pained from the experience.  Forgiving doesn't mean that there won't be lasting repercussions.  Forgiveness doesn't mean that you won't have to work hard to overcome all of the collateral damage that the other person caused.  Forgiveness is to let go of bitterness and hate - and my friend did that and this man took advantage of her big heart and her love for him - an unfortunate, unavoidable risk if you are to truly love someone.  Joyce Meyer has said (again I paraphrase) that if you're going to be in a relationship/friendship with someone, you need to accept that at some point he/she will hurt you and you will hurt him/her - intentional or accidental.  Accept it and decide beforehand how you're going to handle the situation when it arrives.  Deciding to have an attitude of forgiveness in advance makes it a much easier task to carry out when the incident happens.

COMMUNICATION
I have heard so many people going through a divorce or separation say, "I never knew my spouse wanted/needed/felt _____."  It's so easy to get caught in the trap of complacency, which will eventually lead to non-communication.  We take for granted that our spouse knows us intimately and therefore, he/she must know what it is that I want, I shouldn't have to tell him/her.  Or that I know him/her so well, he/she wouldn't want me to do that, so I never ask.  And when we stop asking what the other one needs or wants, we are planting the seeds of non-communication.  We sometimes come to a point in our relationship where we stop "flirting" with our spouse or don't make communication and intimacy a priority because we're too busy or too tired or the kids need me or I have to work late or _____ or whatever (fill in the "I can't" space with whatever excuse you hear yourself say or think).  I have known very few couples in my life that haven't been through this particular valley of marriage.  The good news is that it IS recoverable!  It's just a valley, walk through it and come back up the mountain!  As a soon to be Mom, many may think that I am naive in my thinking, but I have already told my husband that while I want us to be the best parents we can be, we need to remember that "parent" isn't our only role in life.  I'm also a wife and he's also a husband and if we don't take care of "us" as a couple, then "us" as a family will suffer.  I don't ever want to forget or forsake that.  When our children are grown and have families of their own, we will still need each other, and hopefully, still want each other.  I believe that communication is the key to keeping the intimacy and openness of our relationship going strong.

Trust, forgiveness and communication - three things that if cultivated and nurtured properly can reap many wonderful benefits and rewards.

Disclaimer:  I'm just an opinionated small town girl who had a lot on her brain today and needed to let it all out.  Thanks for listening!