I miss.....

I miss the fit person I used to be. 

I'm not going to lie. I miss her. 

A lot. 

A LOT.

I miss her flat stomach and less-dimpled derrière. I miss her toned calves and wonderfully shaped shoulders from doing planks. I miss her strength. I miss her heart and lung capacity. I miss her doing HIIT intervals at 8-10 mph on the treadmill. I miss her not having back fat. I miss her flexibility and amazing yoga poses. I miss her endurance. I miss her powering through hills and 30 mph head winds while cycling with friends. I miss her creativity as she drew up class plans for 3-4 fitness classes each week. I miss her time spent with other women, all seeking to improve their health. I miss buying size medium clothes. I miss feeling good about how I looked in a tank top and shorts. 

Go ahead, judge me for missing that healthy, fit, thin-but-curvy girl I used to be. Call it superficial to miss physical attributes if you want. Call it egomaniacal. Call it selfish. Call it ridiculous. I don't care what people think, I miss her! I mourn the loss of her! I wish I could go back and tell her that she's not fat and gross like she thinks she is. She is strong! She is healthy! And I wish I hadn't been beating her up for all of those years. I wish I hadn't been so hard and unrelenting with her. I wish she had known how incredibly fit and strong she was and not taken it for granted. 

But, it's not just the physical "stuff" that I miss. 

I miss the simplicity and ease of life that she had. I miss the youthful energy and small amount of responsibilities that she had. I miss her go-get-'em, no-holds-barred attitude and her life lived without fear. I miss the smallness of her frugal life. I miss her laugh. I miss her friends. I miss her constant path of new discoveries. I miss her freedom. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the life I have today. I love my husband and my son and I wouldn't trade them for anything - not even for the girl I used to be. Even with everything I miss about her, she didn't have the wisdom or experience that I have now. She was foolish and selfish and immature and was still coming out of that dark place where childhood abuse had sent her. Today, I am happy, busy, stable, crazy, exhausted, and slightly overweight. I guess, maybe that makes me normal?

I have often said that if you're consciously making the decision to become a parent, don't be a resentful parent who thinks, "If I didn't have kids I could _____." Wait until you're ready to give up everything that you claim as your own - from your TV time to workouts to the thoughts that fill your head - before you become a parent. Trust me, you will find that you think less and less about yourself and more and more about your child. And I was ready to give all of that up, but I still mourn the loss of that carefree girl I used to know. I wish that I could find a way to bring some of her best qualities into the life I have today and be the perfect woman. Okay, so maybe perfect is a little over the top. Maybe, I'll aim for near perfect? It's a joke, peeps. Loosen up. 

When I gain a few more minutes in my day or learn how to manage my time to function on even less sleep, I will try to resurrect some of that girl. I will return to working out 3-4 times each week. I will regain my strength and improve my VO2 max. My thighs, butt, and waist will shrink. My arms will be defined. But, right now, I just want to hold my baby, snuggle and smell him, enjoy a big taco salad, and let my honey love on my muffin top. 

I have a booboo

You know how everyone has one of those "I was playing catch with my kids and somehow wound up with a stick in my a**" stories? Well, I have one. Not a stick in my a**! A story. I have a story. 

The short version is that I broke off a piece of metal under my thumbnail. AAAAAND I didn't even say a bad word when it happened! I'm really making some positive strides. The long version goes like this:

The small metal wire that goes through the spine of my wallet was coming out. 

Just ignore the receipts hanging out.

My wallet was laying on the counter and this little wire was staring at me and mocking me all day, and ruining my idea of a perfect world. So, I decided to push it back in and make it shut up. I grabbed a pen cap, because I'm smart enough to not use my bare hand to push the wire. Duh. And after about my third good "oomph", the cap slipped and the wire went under my thumbnail. 

Ouch. 

Ouch. 

Ouch. 

At first, I though maybe the dark spot was just a blood blister from the impact, but as the day grew long, I could tell that it was hurting more and I could feel the metal putting pressure on my nail. It was the size of a boulder! At least it felt like it. I tried to see if I could dig it out, but I'm apparently not that tough. Remember the guy who cut his arm off to save his life when he was pinned by rocks? Yeah, that's not me. I would have died, pinned under the rocks, and probably would have never been found. I can tolerate a lot of pain, but the thought of extracting a bullet out of my leg or cutting off my own arm or digging a piece of metal out from under my nail just don't sound like situations that I would be particularly successful at. So, off to the walk-in clinic I went. 

Ignore my nasty cuticles and pasty, dry whiteness. It's winter, in Oklahoma, and I have red hair. Dry and white is what I am. 

The black dot is the culprit. I swear it had a twelve inch circumference. 

And this is my nail after.  The doctor used a scalpel to slice my nail in two, then she used tweezers and forceps to pull it apart and to get a chunk of it detached so she could then use razor sharp tweezers to scrape the metal out. When she told me what she was going to do I asked her if I would at least get the pleasure of her numbing and deadening my thumb first. 

Um..........no. 

Say what?

She said the numbing process would be more painful than just doing the procedure without it. 

Say what, again?

So, no numbing stuff. Boo on that. I had my left knee bent and my foot underneath my right leg, so I stuck my fingers behind my knee to keep my hand steady, locked my thumb in place as best I could, and let the butchering begin. In all actuality, her slicing my nail in two didn't really hurt. When she put pressure on top of the piece of metal, that hurt. When she stuck the tweezers up under my nail, that hurt (and it bled a little). When she scraped that thing out ..... OMG!!! Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. That's what I kept telling myself. And then I let out a big, "Whoohoo!" when she was finished.

I got some ointment and a bandaid for my booboo and they sent me home. I'm so glad I don't have fake nails. That would have sucked!

And the doctor thanked me for coming in because it gave her something to do besides treat sinus infections. Hahaha!!

The mad tweaker episode

I'm about to reveal more of my body to you than I normally would, but for good reason. Consider this an educational experience. And please look past my fat and kangaroo pouch. I tried real hard to suck it in and stretch my skin out.

I have hives. And they are a real bitch. I haven't had them like this in 25 years. I had them so bad when I was little that I couldn't wear clothes or go outside because it was summer and the heat made them worse. I had welts that were ten inches long and six inches wide, like large swaths that covered my enter body from head to toe. In the years since, I've occasionally had one or two hives pop up here and there, usually in the spring when my allergies were real bad, but they weren't severe. Once, when I was about 16, I woke up with a huge one on my upper lip, making my lip three or four times it's normal size and the skin was stretched and shiny. I called my friend, Mignon, having a minor freak out, and begged my Mom to let me stay home from school. She was mean and told me no. Then, I spent two days being asked by everyone how I had come to have a fat lip. It was huge. Angelina Jolie had nothing on me. 

On MLK Day I had a horrible migraine that was so bad I couldn't sleep, so I stayed home from work. I managed to sleep from about 8am until noon. When I woke up my eyes looked like this:

Ick. 

Over the course of the next two weeks I had ten to fifteen dime to quarter sized hives pop up every day in different places all over my body. They would vary in location and severity each day and were more of a nuisance than anything. 

They itched to no end and I couldn't find an anti-itch cream that worked. I started to get them in between my fingers and toes, which made it hard to wear socks, shoes, or jewelry. I also had them on my palms and behind my ears.

Then on Tuesday there was an explosion of hives that took over my body. That morning I only had a couple on my arms and legs, but none on my stomach. By that afternoon, I looked like this:

I was laying down, hence the skinny look of my mid-section.

Over the course of the evening and night, it got worse. 

I wasn't laying down; notice how I look a little more paunchy?

I got in to see the doctor on Wednesday afternoon and he gave me two medications to try. I cannot take Benadryl or Zyrtec, the two most commonly prescribed medications for hives, because I have adverse reactions to them. I'm essentially a drunk when I take them, so I always steer clear of them. I won't even use the Benadryl cream because I'm afraid of having a bad reaction. One of the medications he prescribed is primarily used to treat depression and anxiety, but has a secondary use for treating skin conditions.

And that's where things took a turn for the bizarre. 

I woke up on Thursday morning in what I can only describe as something similar to a mad tweaker episode. I was highly agitated, mad, frustrated, short tempered, anxious, and my brain was fuzzy. I wanted to throw things and rip stuff off the wall. I wanted to get in my car and ram it into a tree repeatedly, just to tear something up. I felt like I was losing my mind and I sent D a text that the medicine had jacked me up. I was at least lucid enough to realize that I was not myself and that the things going through my mind were on the edge of just being downright crazy. I called the pharmacist and I was almost in tears and he confirmed that these were side effects of the medicine, however he'd never heard anyone describe it quite the way I did. I spent the next few hours talking myself down, reminding myself that this pill would wear off soon, and I just needed to keep it together a little bit longer. I don't know how people with mental ailments survive daily life. It was a day in hell like no other. I think I would rather endure physical pain than to experience the mental instability I had that day. I read up on the medicine today and, sure enough, all of my symptoms were listed as adverse side effects. 

Ugh.

The doctor changed my medicine to something milder and, while I did still have some reactions to it, it was nothing like Thursday. I still have the hives, though not as severe. But, I still itch like a flea-ridden, mangey dog!

The crier

I am a crier. Well, I'm not an all-the-time-crier, because I love to laugh more than crying, but I'm definitely getting soft in my old age. I used to be "tough", whatever that means, refusing to cry and I would just get mad and lash out. I didn't acknowledge pain or fear, I just turned them into anger. And now, as a more self-aware 30-something, I cry. I cry for my family or my friends and I cry for strangers, too. And if you cry in front of me, I will cry with you, whether it's through happiness or sadness. When my friends hurt, I hurt, too. When my friends are happy, I am happy, too. And if I get choked up while telling a story, just ignore me. Or give me hug, but beware, that will probably make me cry even more. 

I sometimes cry when I'm thanking someone because I am truly so thankful that it comes seeping out of my eyes. I don't always feel like "Thank you" and a hug or a pat on the back are enough, which begs the question, how do you adequately convey your gratitude?

I cry at commercials. There used to be a commercial for one of the hospitals in Oklahoma City and they would show different cancer survivors and the last person they showed was a skinny, old cowboy with a rugged, leathered face and a slight hunch to his back, holding his cowboy hat and wearing a plaid shirt and his Wranglers. The first time I saw it I thought, "That's what my brother is going to look like some day," and I immediately burst into tears. You know how that sneaks up on you? You're fine and then all of a sudden you either gasp or you can't hold your breath and some kind of violent puff comes out of your mouth? Yeah, it was like that. It was ugly. I'm glad I was alone. 

I cry when we buy our Angel Tree gifts at Christmas. The angels on our local tree only have practical things like socks, underwear, shirts, or jeans written on the angels. I'm not sure if there's a rule that the children have to ask for things that they need, like clothes, and are not allowed to ask for fun stuff, like toys and games, or not. As D and I were walking through Walmart, I had to walk ahead of him because I didn't want him to see the tears that were about to come out of my eyes. I knew he felt the same way I did, but I just felt a little silly for crying about it. I was looking at these little paper angels and thinking about the little girl and boy who only asked for socks and underwear and it just hurt me that they didn't have anything fun written down. Children should have some fun things. So, I don't know if it broke the rules or not, but we bought them age appropriate toys on top of the clothing items they had asked for. And I'm not sorry if it broke the rules. I'm just not. Sorry for not being sorry. 

Sometimes I cry when I look at old photographs. There are people that I've lost and I miss them terribly. Sometimes I laugh at the memory of something funny, other times I cry from the pain of missing them. The pain of not hearing their voice. Or their laugh. Or the touch of their hand. Or the smell of their cologne or perfume. Or just watching their habitual movements, like the way they walked or held a coffee cup.

I cry when I see people go to the front of the church to pray during the altar call. I don't know what they're struggling with, but I can see that something is bothering them and they're looking to God for help. And while I may not ask what's wrong, because I think if it were my business they would have told me, I am still standing (or kneeling) with them in prayer.

I don't cry because I'm weak, I cry because I need an emotional release and crying is part of a healing process. It allows me to let go of the stress and pain and move forward, rather than to hold it all in and bottle it all up and then explode on some poor unsuspecting person in a fit of rage. I cry because I am a woman who was created from flesh, which makes me more emotional than a man who was created from dirt. So, if you see me wiping away a tear, don't be alarmed, it's just normal. Or I've just watched a cutie patootie baby or animal video with horses. Or dogs. Or kittens. Or bears. Or rabbits. Or lions. 

The new world order

"You will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it."

This little tidbit is really ringing true with me lately. I saw this in a magazine and cut it out to put on my bathroom mirror. Do you do that? I love to clip out little snipits of wisdom and then put them where I can see them and be reminded daily. I haven't had any magazine subscriptions for a year or so, but I finally renewed a couple of them and with the first issue I was already into some good stuff!

These two short sentences ring true with pretty much every aspect of my life right now. I'm constantly weighing the scales between time with my son and husband or doing chores and working out. I have really struggled with how to maintain a healthy balance. I'm not going to lie, I love to workout and I miss it terribly! Of all of the things that I gave up when Rocco was born, this is the biggie. This is the one that actually bothers me all the time. So much of who I am is tied up in exercise, fitness, and health. It's part of what makes me, me. I like to move and be active and get my sweat on. I enjoy hard work and being productive. I love having muscles that are defined, not for others to see, but for myself to see. I like to know that I am capable. I love pushing myself into the next minute, the next mile, the next rep, or to a heavier weight. And all of that was thrown away when he was born because I simply couldn't find the time. I believe that parents have to take care of themselves, physically and mentally, so they can be the best parent they can be. For me, getting my sweat on is what renews my mind and my body. 

So, here's the new world order: I am getting in 20-35 minutes of exercise each day, but it's at 9 o'clock at night. I can't find the time earlier in the day, so I'll take what I can get and this is the only way for me to make the time. And it's working! I've already lost 3 of the 4 pounds I gained over the holidays. Don't judge me, man. There was a lot of chocolate involved. However, all of the chocolate is now gone and I'm eating better. I may not be getting in a one-hour sweat session like I used to, but at least I'm doing "something" and that makes me feel better!

I don't have a name for this post

So, a few months ago I told you that I had set up our Total Gym that I bought used last spring. Here's the rub - we didn't have any instructions or exercise charts or videos to tell us how to do all of the different exercises. So, I've been using my fitness knowledge (from 10 years of being a fitness instructor) to creatively use the machine. 

Until I got tired of doing that and decided to just order some videos and an exercise chart. I only have so much creativity in my brain and right now all it can think about is new living room furniture, painting, and revamping my utility room. Thank you HGTV and DIY Network. 

Last week I ordered 6 of the workout videos and an exercise chart and I was so excited that I paid for overnight shipping so I could get started right away. On Thursday I did day 1 of the women's 6-day 6-8 minute plan, followed by 15 minutes on the treadmill, squats, lunges, push-ups, and stretching. In 35 minutes I burned about 350 calories and I was ecstatic because that burned off at least one of the chocolate bars I'd had for breakfast. Don't judge. 

On Friday I got ready to do day 2 of the 6-day plan and I realized that there were a couple of pieces missing. Boo! That's what I get for buying used. I modified the exercises and got through the day's workout, then went about buying some replacement parts.

In total, I have spent about $275 for everything, which is waaaaay cheaper than retail. On the Total Gym website some of the models are as much as $2200! My model works just as well and I spent a fraction of the cost!

And I might have a slight addiction to the machine and all of the newfound exercises I can do on it. The video really got me feeling motivated and I didn't get bored, which is a problem I have with a lot of exercise videos. Doing the short video and mixing in my treadmill (cardio), squats, lunges, and push-ups is much more my style. I generally will watch a video, take the moves that I like and combine them with moves from another video and make my own workout. Or I cut out workouts from magazines and combine the parts I like. Plus, I rarely like the music on videos, I like my own. Over the years I have found that I like the strength training videos, but the cardio videos, um, not so much. (Sorry, Patrick Goudeau! I loved your class at Dallas Mania, though! Super fun, high energy, and easy to follow. I just don't like doing the videos at home.) I prefer to do my own cardio floor/step/BOSU routines or run on the treadmill and have my own music. Does that make me a fitness snob? Man, you really learn a lot about yourself when you blog. Grammar snob. Fitness snob. What other uglies are hiding inside?

On that note, I think I'll stop. But, before I go, I have one more random confession - getting to meet all of the fitness stars that we all see on our favorite workout videos and ask them questions, pick their brains, and just interact with them was one of the most fun experiences I've ever had! I loved meeting all of them at fitness conventions, learning from them, and I really miss teaching. And, I need some more fitness-minded friends to move near me so that I have people to workout with. I miss the group dynamic!

Okie Black Eyed Pea Dip

Okay, let's be honest, who likes black eyed peas? Not the singing group, but the nasty canned food? If anyone raises their hand, we will all know you're a liar. They taste and smell like dirt! How could they ever be eaten plain? Blech! Gag! Spit! Hurl!

Enough of that. Moving on. 

Every New Year's Day we eat black eyed peas because we're on the bandwagon with about half a bazillion other people who all superstitiously believe it will bring them good luck in the coming year. I know that everyone else does this, too, because when I went to buy BEP's, the shelves were empty. I don't believe in luck, I just eat them because my Mom always made me and now it's just a New Year's Day habit. Normally, we doctor them up with bacon or some leftover ham hocks and lots of spices and hot stuff to drown out the awfulness that is BEP's. I decided to try something different this year. On Christmas Day I was brave and made two breakfast/brunch dishes that I'd never made before and they turned out alright, so I did the same with the BEP's. I saw this recipe on Facebook, I don't remember where, and thought it would be a good alternative. Plus, it was super simple!

Okie Black Eyed Pea Dip

1-14oz can black eyed peas, drained and partially mashed

1/4 whole onion, finely chopped

1/4 C sour cream

8 slices jarred jalapeño slices

1 C grated cheddar cheese

3 T salsa

Hot sauce, to taste

Salt and pepper, to taste

Preheat the oven to 350. In a bowl, combine all of the ingredients and stir well. Spread the mixture into a 1 1/2 quart baking dish, then bake for 20-30 minutes until bubbly. Serve with chips. 

Even though it didn't say to, I sprayed the pan with cooking spray before spreading the mixture. I think some Lawry's season salt would have been good in it, too. But, then again, I'm addicted to salt. I also rinsed the BEP's, just to make sure there wasn't any residual nastiness in them. I have issues. Sorry. 

You'll have something like this:

Here's a close-up:

It was really good and it didn't taste or smell like dirt! Winning!