I'm not going to lie. I miss her.
A lot.
A LOT.
I miss her flat stomach and less-dimpled derrière. I miss her toned calves and wonderfully shaped shoulders from doing planks. I miss her strength. I miss her heart and lung capacity. I miss her doing HIIT intervals at 8-10 mph on the treadmill. I miss her not having back fat. I miss her flexibility and amazing yoga poses. I miss her endurance. I miss her powering through hills and 30 mph head winds while cycling with friends. I miss her creativity as she drew up class plans for 3-4 fitness classes each week. I miss her time spent with other women, all seeking to improve their health. I miss buying size medium clothes. I miss feeling good about how I looked in a tank top and shorts.
Go ahead, judge me for missing that healthy, fit, thin-but-curvy girl I used to be. Call it superficial to miss physical attributes if you want. Call it egomaniacal. Call it selfish. Call it ridiculous. I don't care what people think, I miss her! I mourn the loss of her! I wish I could go back and tell her that she's not fat and gross like she thinks she is. She is strong! She is healthy! And I wish I hadn't been beating her up for all of those years. I wish I hadn't been so hard and unrelenting with her. I wish she had known how incredibly fit and strong she was and not taken it for granted.
But, it's not just the physical "stuff" that I miss.
I miss the simplicity and ease of life that she had. I miss the youthful energy and small amount of responsibilities that she had. I miss her go-get-'em, no-holds-barred attitude and her life lived without fear. I miss the smallness of her frugal life. I miss her laugh. I miss her friends. I miss her constant path of new discoveries. I miss her freedom.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the life I have today. I love my husband and my son and I wouldn't trade them for anything - not even for the girl I used to be. Even with everything I miss about her, she didn't have the wisdom or experience that I have now. She was foolish and selfish and immature and was still coming out of that dark place where childhood abuse had sent her. Today, I am happy, busy, stable, crazy, exhausted, and slightly overweight. I guess, maybe that makes me normal?
I have often said that if you're consciously making the decision to become a parent, don't be a resentful parent who thinks, "If I didn't have kids I could _____." Wait until you're ready to give up everything that you claim as your own - from your TV time to workouts to the thoughts that fill your head - before you become a parent. Trust me, you will find that you think less and less about yourself and more and more about your child. And I was ready to give all of that up, but I still mourn the loss of that carefree girl I used to know. I wish that I could find a way to bring some of her best qualities into the life I have today and be the perfect woman. Okay, so maybe perfect is a little over the top. Maybe, I'll aim for near perfect? It's a joke, peeps. Loosen up.
When I gain a few more minutes in my day or learn how to manage my time to function on even less sleep, I will try to resurrect some of that girl. I will return to working out 3-4 times each week. I will regain my strength and improve my VO2 max. My thighs, butt, and waist will shrink. My arms will be defined. But, right now, I just want to hold my baby, snuggle and smell him, enjoy a big taco salad, and let my honey love on my muffin top.
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