Not today

This morning I woke up and life went on. As soon as I opened my eyes I could see the vacancy left, not just in our hearts, but the physical vacancy of Diamond being gone. She slept on a bed in our bedroom and even in the darkness, I could see her black silhouette against her white bed. As soon as I would get up, she would rise to greet me. But, not today. 

She would follow me to the bathroom and lay just outside the door, her nose pressed against the open space at the bottom, blowing air underneath it while I got ready. But, not today. 

When I came out of the bathroom she would get up and stretch; she had an awesome downward dog and upward dog (yoga stretches). But, not today. 

She would race to the front door, shaking her whole body from head to toe to wake herself up. She would wait for me at the door while I woke up Marilyn. But, not today. 

When I would let them in after they pottied she would nudge my hand as she came through the door, her way of saying "I love you and hope you have a piece of candy for me." But, not today. 

She would race Marilyn to the food bowls, but after one or two bites she would come back to check on me before she finished her breakfast. But, not today. 

When she would finish her breakfast she would come through for another round of petting and rubbing before she would lay down to rest until it was time for me to leave. Then, she would follow me to the door and watch me leave. But, not today. 

This is the last photo I took of her before we left for the vet. I still see her as a puppy when I look at her. You can see the tumor making her upper lip stick out. My poor girl! She had started pawing at it and scratching it or rubbing her head on the floor in the last few days and we could see that it was continuing to grow. She was losing muscle mass, even though we'd switched her to wet/canned food. She was having trouble drinking and would get more water on the floor than she did in her mouth. 

It was a difficult morning with my big girl on my mind. A new routine begins. 

Goodbye, Diamond

We lost our Diamond today, Monday, November 11, 2013 - Veteran's Day. She's buried in a grave behind the house so that she'll always be with us. We buried her with one of her toys and a laser pointer, her favorite toy. She was 10 this month and Dr. Brett said that was a long life for a German Shepherd. 

We made the decision yesterday and I bawled all the way to work. I made it through my shift without breaking down, but as soon as I pulled in at home and saw Diamond waiting for me at the back door, I lost it again. It was the last time I would see her patiently waiting there. The last time I would hear her tail thump against the washer when I open the door. The last time she would try to trip me up as I walk in. The last time I would rub her ears before bed. The last time I would tell her good night. 

I don't feel any peace about the situation, but we didn't have a choice; it was this or watch her suffer. I admit, I was not prepared for this. I always thought she would die of old age, in her sleep, not because she got sick, and I never considered that we would have to make the decision that letting her go would be the more humane choice. I always knew that we would probably outlive her, but you just can't prepare yourself for the agony. I knew it would be difficult, but there's no way to appropriately describe the grief that I feel. She was one of our children and I am completely heartbroken. I will never hear her thunder through the house again. Never watch her curl herself up on Marilyn's bed that's too small for her. Never watch her bound off the porch after a Pete or armadillo. Never wake up to her by my bedside, her chin on the bed, watching me and breathing doggy breath into my face. Never watch her chase a laser dot again. Never have her here to alert me to or stand between me and danger. Never again look into those dark eyes. Never again watch her drool all over the kitchen floor while she waits for a piece of candy (dog treat). Never again watch her prance around the front yard. Never again watch her and Marilyn fight and play together as only sisters and best friends do. Never feel her nose nudge my hand when she wants to be loved on. I am burdened with the guilt of wondering did we love her enough? Did we provide a good enough life for her while she was here? Did she have a happy life? Did I pet her enough? Rub her ears enough? Love on her enough? Did she understand how much we loved her and how much we miss her now?

Dr. Tamara held her while Dr. Brett administered the necessary meds. I could see it in her face, Diamond knew something was up. Her breathing immediately became labored and then she went limp. It was over in a few seconds and there were a lot of tears shed. It was the only time all night that Rocco wasn't fussing. It was like he knew something serious was happening. 

Oh, my beloved Diamond! I already miss you so much! My heart burns with pain thinking of how our lives are not the same without you. Our biggest baby for 10 years, you are forever in our hearts. 

I know what's coming

Yesterday was a fairly productive day for me. First, I actually got eight hours of sleep. Holy crap what a difference that makes! I did six loads of laundry (whites, darks, baby clothes, bedding, extra blankets and dog bedding), vacuumed, mopped, went to Wal-Mart, the recycling bin, the cleaners, the post office, had lunch with Mom, and got my oil changed. Plus, I played with Rocco and we had a great day of mommy-baby time. 

While I was at lunch our vet called. I had called him earlier that morning because Diamond's tumor has been bleeding. And I know this sounds horribly selfish, but it also makes her breath smell ATROCIOUS! I can't get within ten feet of her without gagging from the stench. But, the bleeding concerns me and, since we can't afford the surgery that might make the situation worse anyway, I wanted to know if there was something we could do to stop the bleeding. When I left the message, I knew that the answer I was going to get was probably not a good one. And it wasn't. As Dr. Brett said, I think it's time we start having a different conversation.

I have cried several times since, feeling selfish and sorrowful, my head telling me what needs to be done and my heart refusing to accept it. This morning it was all I could do to not wail and moan and have a major sob fest while I was putting on my makeup. I'm trying to keep it together, rationalizing the situation to make it easier to deal with. But, I know that when the end draws near, I won't be able to maintain this much control. I can feel it building up inside me and every time I look at her I feel like all of this raw emotion will come bursting out at any moment. She looks tired and sad. And when I think of how Marilyn will feel when her partner in crime is gone, I just want to cry all over again. Do we take her with us to the vet when it's time to let Diamond go? They have terrible separation anxiety as it is, I can't imagine how bad it will be when we don't come home with Diamond. 

If Diamond were a human and we were having this conversation, they would call it murder or assisted suicide and put us in jail. And that pretty much sums up why I feel so conflicted, because I feel like I'm murdering her! Whether she's ready to go or not, whether it's the right thing to do or not - nothing matters because it doesn't change this awful feeling I have inside that I'm murdering one of my furry babies. She's been our biggest baby for 10 years! If you're not an "animal person" I don't expect you to understand. But, for those of us who adopt our fur balls into our lives as part of our family, it is excruciating to lose them. 

So, here I sit, wrestling with what to do and praying for guidance and peace about the situation, afraid to even speak the word "death", but needing to talk about it and feeling like I don't have the words to appropriately describe my grief. I wish there was an easy answer.

For the men

Colossians 3:19 

Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. 

Proverbs 5:15-20

(15) Now, about sex and marriage: Drink only the water that comes from your own well, (16) and don’t let your water flow out into the streets. (17) Keep it for yourself, and don’t share it with strangers. (18) Be happy with your own wife. Enjoy the woman you married while you were young. (19) She is like a beautiful deer, a lovely fawn. Let her love satisfy you completely. Stay drunk on her love, (20) and don’t go stumbling into the arms of another woman.

I shared these verses yesterday on my personal FB page. What I found odd was that the only people who "liked" the status were women. Not one man. Not a single one. Do these verses not speak to the hearts of men? I certainly hope they do. The fact that they speak to women should be of important note to men. If these verses can be so intimately familiar to a woman's heart, shouldn't her man take notice?

A shout out

I was at Walmart early on Saturday morning and this is what was in front of the customer service counter. 

This is just a fraction of the carts that were there. These are not returns, these are items that people picked up and then left laying throughout the store. Grapes left in hardware. Deodorant next to the mac and cheese. Bug spray in housewares. 

What in the world???

Maybe this just grates on me because I worked at two grocery stores and a department store in high school and I spent hours facing shelves and organizing clothing racks. Or maybe it's because I find this to be rude, indecent human behavior. 

When I worked for the department store I would go into the dressing room to find piles of clothing and swimsuit bottom liners stuck to the wall. Gross beyond gross. Who does that? Sweaters hung up in the bras. Bras in with the jeans. Jeans left in the shoe department. Gum ..... everywhere. People returning clothes they had obviously worn. I once had to process a dress return and it wreaked of B.O. so bad that I almost gagged. And the woman returning it, who also wreaked of B.O., had the gall to claim she'd never worn it. I wanted to call her a liar in front of everyone.

Oddly enough, while I was tending to this stinky woman, a rude woman with two teen daughters started screaming at me from thirty feet away. "Clerk! Clerk! You! Do you hear me talking to you?! You better get over here and help me! Don't you keep me waiting!" Really? Can you not see that I am tending to another customer and I am the only person working this department? It reminded me of a child throwing a temper tantrum. I'd rather deal with a stinky customer over a rude one any day of the week. 

I have had plenty of negative experiences with people who work in retail or in customer service, but today I'm going to give a shout out to all of them! I know they spend their days tolerating the rude, inconsiderate, and sometimes disgusting behavior of others and how frustrating that can be. Shake it off, put a warm smile on your face, have a welcoming greeting for the next customer, and maintain a professional, helpful attitude. Your shift will be over soon and you can sit in your car and scream to let loose the tension of the day. It's a 40-hour week and here's your feel good song!

40 Hour Week - Alabama

http://youtu.be/Kuz8_PP3bqY

There are people in this country who work hard every day 
Not for fame or fortune do they strive 
But the fruits of their labor are worth more than their pay 
And it's time a few of them were recognized 

Hello Detroit auto worker, let me thank you for your time 
You work a forty hour week for a livin', just to send it on down the line 
Hello Pittsburgh steel mill worker, let me thank you for your time 
You work a forty hour week for a livin', just to send it on down the line 

This is for the one who swings the hammer, driving home the nail 
For the one behind the counter, ringing up the sales 
For the one who fights the fires, the one who brings the mail 
For everyone who works behind the scenes 

You can see them every morning in the factories and the fields 
In the city streets and the quiet country towns 
Working together like spokes inside a wheel 
They keep this country turning around 

Hello Kansas wheat field farmer, let me thank you for your time 
You work a forty hour week for a livin', just to send it on down the line 
Hello West Virginia coal miner, let me thank you for your time 
You work a forty hour week for a livin', just to send it on down the line 

This is for the one who drives the big rig, up and down the road 
For the one out in the warehouse, bringing in the load 
For the waitress, the mechanic, the policeman on patrol 
For everyone who works behind the scenes 

With a spirit you can't replace with no machine 
Hello America let me thank you for your time

Even the radio gets it wrong

I saw this on my Sirius/XM Radio the other day. 

Whoever is being paid to enter song titles and artists apparently needs a proofreader or a dictionary. For the spelling challenged, it should be "autumn". I'm telling you, these things just have a way of finding me!

And because I can't beat the grammatically correct dead horse enough, here you go:

Haha! I love it when people share these with me! It's so true and still so funny!

On another note, I am conflicted over whether to start the "Month of Thankfulness" this year. I could easily start today and play catch-up because today is only the 4th. But, I am thankful every day, not just during specific seasons or months or days of the week. And I don't like how some people have referred to it as a challenge. I don't think of thankfulness as a challenge, so I don't want to give the impression that I'm doing it just because I was challenged to. However, I also think that a person can define a situation depending on their point of view. So, if I think of it as an endeavor to bring something positive to the lives of others, then it's not really a challenge. Thoughts?

Also, the other day someone said that being thankful and being grateful were not the same thing. I have never heard that before so I looked it up at www.thefreedictionary.com. The words have almost the exact same definition and are synonyms. 

Thankful - adj - 1. Aware and appreciative of a benefit; grateful. 2. Expressive of gratitude: a thankful smile. 

Grateful - adj - 1. Appreciative of benefits received; thankful. 2. Expressing gratitude. 3. Affording pleasure or comfort; agreeable. 

I checked other sites (just to be sure) and they also showed these two words to have similar definitions and to be synonyms. I wish I could remember who said it because I want to ask them what they meant. I feel like I'm missing something. These are the questions that keep me up at night!

A few more for the Grammar Snobs

Because it's Friday (which is actually my Sunday, hello shift work!) I thought I'd share a few grammar funnies that have been shared with me.

And since it's the day after Halloween and I can only dress my son this way once and get away with it, here's the embarrassing picture we will show when he graduates from high school. 

And just for fun, one of me. 

It's November 1st and while I'm glad the Halloween candy fest is over, I have two more months of temptation! I'm trying to keep my eye on the ball, but that's hard to do when candy and fattening comfort foods are calling your name. And butter. And bacon. If there was a way to combine the two and just eat them 24/7, I would. And I would also weigh a bazillion pounds. I have my mind on food today. 

Banana nut bread. 

Cookies. 

Cake balls. 

Baked beans. 

Potatoes of any kind, except potato salad. Blech!

Casseroles. 

Pies. 

Is anyone else hungry?