Late Bloomer

A few weeks ago something HUGE happened in my life; something that I had begun to think would never happen, and then when it did happen, it happened very quickly, literally in a matter of days.

I have started my college career!

After being out of school for 21 years, I finally made the leap!  I took concurrent enrollment my senior year of high school, enrolled for the following fall semester, then made some decisions that lead me to another state 1,400 miles away for the next year, and I left school behind, intending to come back and get my degree a few years down the road.  Well, I did come back to Oklahoma, but the education that I thought was on hold began to slip further and further away.  I applied and was accepted again a couple of years later, but life got in the way and it didn’t happen.  About 5 or 6 years later, online education was becoming more mainstream and widely available, but when I looked into it, the enrollment counselor scared me off because she told me I would have to come up with almost $5,000 per semester that would not qualify for any kind of student aid or loan.  Screw that.  I didn’t have an extra $5,000 laying around for one semester’s worth of knowledge.  At that point, knowing what my schedule was with shift work, I put my education on the back burner, almost resigning myself to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen.  There was no way my schedule would allow for me to attend college on-campus and now it sounded like pursuing it online was also out of reach.

Fast forward 10 or 12 years to July 2016.  I’m now almost 40, married, have a preschooler who attends school 30 minutes away, still working shift work, and now commuting 100 miles every day.  Life is busy, busy, busy.  And I’m exhausted.  I’m more than exhausted.  Is there a term for that?  “Exhaustified,” to borrow from Louisa May Alcott's Little Women.  I still revisited the idea of going back to school over the years, but it just never got off the ground and I couldn’t figure out how to make it work.  But, I’ve never lost the desire to get my education.  I was having a bit of an emotionally rough summer and, like most moms, felt like I’m never a priority for anyone, including myself.  I began evaluating my life and for the first time when I thought about going back to school, I didn’t feel scared.  I felt no hesitation.  This time was different.  I felt energized.  This time felt like it was the right time and working out the cost and financial aid didn’t even faze me.  My dude and I discussed it (he’s wanted me to go to college for years) and I did some research, then requested information from 4 or 5 schools, but felt like I was really drawn to one in particular.  Less than 10 days later I was enrolled and my financial aid was completely squared away.  I was on my way to a college degree!

I’m going to be real honest with you – not having my college degree has made me feel like a failure for my entire adult life.  I’m not saying that if you don’t have one that you’re a failure; not everyone is made for college.  Some people don’t want it, don’t like it, and don’t want to be a part of it.  And that’s absolutely fine; the world takes all kinds of people finding success in different avenues to make it go ‘round.  My Grandpa Homer only had an 8^th grade education and he was one of the smartest, kindest, most resourceful, well respected, and successful people I’ve ever known.  But, when you know in your heart of hearts that you were meant to have a college education and you don’t have one, you feel like a failure.  I've achieved success in other ways, but not earning my degree has felt like a constant stain on my life, a never ending nagging at the back of my mind.  Other people had fully expected me to go to college, too, and I could see the disappointment in their eyes when they found out I hadn’t gone.  I’m not saying you should go to college to please other people, but for me, knowing that I had disappointed some people reinforced my feelings of failure.  But, not anymore!  I am as giddy as a school girl!  See what I did there?  Punny?  Nevermind.  I feel more fulfilled as a human being with a brain than I have felt in, well, I’m not sure, but a very long time!  I’ve been fulfilled by motherhood and marriage and family, but this is different.  This is for me, for my brain, my life, just for me, and it’s been a very long time since I did something that was just for me.  Oh, sure, my family will benefit from me having a college education, but I’m talking about what’s on the inside of me.  I’m talking about deep, personal fulfillment and satisfaction that puts a smile on my face and a spring in my step.  I feel like I’m doing something that I was created to do and it’s so mentally stimulating to be using my brain in an educational setting again and I am having so much fun!  I think my Dad would be proud if he were here, at least I hope he would.  Of course, if he were still alive my life would have probably taken a completely different course and that's a discussion for another day.  I know that the next four years will be busy and exhausting and exciting and intellectually fulfilling, and when it’s all said and done, this late bloomer is going to have her degree and do her best endzone dance!

P.S.  Say a prayer for me!