A few weeks ago something HUGE happened in my life;
something that I had begun to think would never happen, and then when it did
happen, it happened very quickly, literally in a matter of days.
I have started my college career!
After being out of school for 21 years, I finally made the
leap! I took concurrent enrollment my
senior year of high school, enrolled for the following fall semester, then made
some decisions that lead me to another state 1,400 miles away for the next
year, and I left school behind, intending to come back and get my degree a few
years down the road. Well, I did come
back to Oklahoma, but the education that I thought was on hold began to slip
further and further away. I applied and
was accepted again a couple of years later, but life got in the way and it didn’t
happen. About 5 or 6 years later, online
education was becoming more mainstream and widely available, but when I looked
into it, the enrollment counselor scared me off because she told me I would
have to come up with almost $5,000 per semester that would not qualify for any
kind of student aid or loan. Screw
that. I didn’t have an extra $5,000
laying around for one semester’s worth of knowledge. At that point, knowing what my schedule was
with shift work, I put my education on the back burner, almost resigning myself
to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen.
There was no way my schedule would allow for me to attend college
on-campus and now it sounded like pursuing it online was also out of reach.
Fast forward 10 or 12 years to July 2016. I’m now almost 40, married, have a
preschooler who attends school 30 minutes away, still working shift work, and now
commuting 100 miles every day. Life is
busy, busy, busy. And I’m
exhausted. I’m more than exhausted. Is there a term for that? “Exhaustified,” to borrow from Louisa May Alcott's Little Women. I still revisited the idea of going back to
school over the years, but it just never got off the ground and I couldn’t
figure out how to make it work. But, I’ve
never lost the desire to get my education.
I was having a bit of an emotionally rough summer and, like most moms,
felt like I’m never a priority for anyone, including myself. I began evaluating my life and for the first
time when I thought about going back to school, I didn’t feel scared. I felt no hesitation. This time was different. I felt energized. This time felt like it was the right time and
working out the cost and financial aid didn’t even faze me. My dude and I discussed it (he’s wanted me to
go to college for years) and I did some research, then requested information
from 4 or 5 schools, but felt like I was really drawn to one in particular. Less than 10 days later I was enrolled and my
financial aid was completely squared away.
I was on my way to a college degree!
I’m going to be real honest with you – not having my college
degree has made me feel like a failure for my entire adult life. I’m not saying that if you don’t have one
that you’re a failure; not everyone is made for college. Some people don’t want it, don’t like it, and
don’t want to be a part of it. And that’s
absolutely fine; the world takes all kinds of people finding success in different avenues to make it go ‘round. My Grandpa Homer only had an 8th
grade education and he was one of the smartest, kindest, most resourceful,
well respected, and successful people I’ve ever known.
But, when you know in your heart of hearts that you were meant to have a
college education and you don’t have one, you feel like a failure. I've achieved success in other ways, but not earning my degree has felt like a constant stain on my life, a
never ending nagging at the back of my mind.
Other people had fully expected me to go to college, too, and I could
see the disappointment in their eyes when they found out I hadn’t gone. I’m not saying you should go to college to
please other people, but for me, knowing that I had disappointed some people reinforced
my feelings of failure. But, not
anymore! I am as giddy as a school
girl! See what I did there? Punny?
Nevermind. I feel more fulfilled
as a human being with a brain than I have felt in, well, I’m not sure, but a
very long time! I’ve been fulfilled by
motherhood and marriage and family, but this is different. This is for me, for my brain, my life, just
for me, and it’s been a very long time since I did something that was just for
me. Oh, sure, my family will benefit
from me having a college education, but I’m talking about what’s on the inside
of me. I’m talking about deep, personal
fulfillment and satisfaction that puts a smile on my face and a spring in my
step. I feel like I’m doing something
that I was created to do and it’s so mentally stimulating to be using my brain
in an educational setting again and I am having so much fun! I think my Dad would be proud if he were here, at least I hope he would. Of course, if he were still alive my life would have probably taken a completely different course and that's a discussion for another day. I know that the next four years will be busy
and exhausting and exciting and intellectually fulfilling, and when it’s all
said and done, this late bloomer is going to have her degree and do her best endzone dance!
P.S. Say a prayer for
me!
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